Being married to a Wolf is filled with many hours of contemplating is divorce an option. So many questions arise for the follower of Christ in addressing how this will effect them. Please check out this link, from Mars Hill Bible Church in Michigan, by Rob Bell. It will be well worth your time.

http://marshill.org/teaching/2010/07/11/matthew-5-jesus-and-divorce/

What Santa Claus, Fairy Godmothers, and Genies Reveal About Our Wolfness

Think of your last prayer. What did you say? What did you request? Was your request like a list sent to Santa Claus, or a wish made to your Genie or Fairy Godmother? Or were you having a two way relationship asking him how you could best serve him and reflect him to others?

Recently I have been reading Francis Chan's book "Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit". It has challenged me to check my prayers. Chan's challenge is for us to not view the Holy Spirit as "a commodity to be bought or traded according to our individual wants, whims or even our felt needs". Indeed, how often are my prayers directed by my individual wants, whims or felt needs. God does want us to bring all of these things to him, but he also desires to have a two-way relationship with us. When we have a two-way relationship we are also seeking out what the other person wants and what their felt needs are. So the question for each of us, while we move beyond our wolfness, is to ask "What does God want from me?", "How does God feel about what is happening around us and beyond us?", "What does God want me praying about?" and "What does God want me doing?"

When we do seek God and what he is wanting from us, we still need to be de-wolfing our actions. Often times, when we are doing the work God has called to us too, others notice our efforts, rather than his efforts through us. Francis Chan challenges us that "a sure sign of the Holy Spirit's working is that Christ is magnified, not people....Let's pray that God would empower us so radically that we would get no glory. That people would see our works and glorify God."

Can you imagine what would happen in your marriage if you were asking God how he wants you to represent yourself as a husband or wife today? He knows best how he wants to be reflected through you. Ask him! Remember, God does want us to take our requests to him. And, when we are surrendered to his way and his time, our requests will become more Christ-centered rather than self-centered.

Will The Real Wolf Please Step Forward (Team Jacob or Team Edward)?

Last night I saw the lastest movie in the Twilight series and it made me think of Wolves. Countless females (of all ages) have joined the ranks of Team Edward or Team Jacob with the underlying question of who is best for Bella! I think there is a very valuable lesson in how we choose a mate. Some may be offended that I am using a vampire/wolf story line with scripture, however, the reality is that countless teens and women are following this story line and indeed it is shaping views of what love is!

First, let's explore what Edward has to offer. He is charming (he even sparkles in the light). He says he would give his life for Bella (and has come close). He loves her with a intense love. He has learned to control his vampire desire for human blood and only consumes the blood of animals. And, to top it off, he is a true gentleman and wants her to maintain her purity till marriage. Edward does have his limitations though. He doesn't have life blood running through his veins, so he can't provide Bella with the practical human need of body warmth when she is freezing to death. For Bella to really be with Edward she will have to surrender her life and become a vampire.

Jacob loves Bella also. Ironically, Jacob is a wolf and by wolf I mean a real wolf. Even though Bella has professed her love to Edward, Jacob still loves Bella and does his best to protect her even at the expense of himself. Jacob is a little rough around the edges and has a harder time controlling some of his emotions. Jacob still has life blood running through his veins, so he can provide Bella with the practical! He keeps her warm when she is freezing to death. For Bella to be with Jacob, she doesn't have to change. She doesn't have to give up her life as she knows it.

So what is the right answer? Each week I encounter Wolves and their spouse. The stories have a common theme. The Wolf was charming at first! They had this intense passionate love at first! Overtime, the spouse of the Wolf looses themself. Their world becomes one that revolves around the Wolf, his/her needs, wants, and demands. The spouse often feels like the life blood has been sucked out of them? Hmmmmmm?

The real questions are "Has Edward's nature really changed?" "Is he capable of unconditional love?" "Does Bella really understand what she is sacrificing to be with Edward?" To be with Edward, she has to go through the transition of being self-consumed by desiring human blood more than anything.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (Message Translation) says
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut.
Doesn't have a swelled head.
Doesn't force itself on others.
Isn't always "me first."
Doesn't fly off the handle.
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others.
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything.
Trust God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back
But keeps going to the end.

Team Jacob, what do you think? How does Jacob measure up? Team Edward, what do you think? How does Edward measure up? As much as I personally am drawn to the character of Edward, at my core I believe Jacob is the better choice. Bella's relationship with Edward reflects the modern day "romance addiction." In the long run, those type of relationships have ALOT to overcome. They usually don't last forever. Whereas, the "practical love" of Jacob has the ability to stand the test of time.

When Amongst Wolves, Do NOT Defend Yourself

A person with a healthy self-esteem knows how to stand up for themselves. However, when you are in a relationship with a Wolf, this may not be the wisest thing to do. Wolves are master manipulators and masters at creating the image they want other's to see. When situations arise where you are getting the blame for something you didn't do, or your intentions are being misconstrued by a Wolf, take a step back before you react.

First, is your heart right before God in what you were doing. Take a moment to pray about the situation and see if their is any wrong doing on your part. If there is, seek forgiveness from God and from the person you wronged. It is our responsibility to be reconciled with others as much as it is in our power to do so.

However, if you are right before God and you were doing what He had directed you to do and you are still being accused and condemned...you are in good company. Remember, the Pharisees were relentless with Jesus. Or how about Elijah, Queen Jezebel was relentless in her pursuit to get rid of him. Wolves don't like anything or anyone who exposes their selfish motives, even if it is just mere kindness of another.

Psalms 37:6 LB) says "Your innocence will be clear to everyone. He will vindicate you with the blazing light of justice shining down as from the noonday sun." Who defends you? Remember God will defend you! Psalms 37:7 goes a step further and says, "Rest in the Lord; wait patiently for him to act. Don't be envious of evil men who prosper." God knows there is a time when it will appear like the Wolf is prospering, but He wants us to be patient and rest in him. He knows! And, when He is readly, He vindicates with the blazing light of the noontime sun! Psalms 37:8 says while you are waiting to "Stop your anger! Turn off your wrath. Don't fret and worry-it only leads to harm." Clearly, God has other ways of dealing with self-absorbed Wolves that are beyond our understanding. We don't need to worry. We don't need to complain. We don't need to defend. We need to be careful that our reaction isn't in anger, as this will only lead to harm. We are told to rest and wait!

What is happening right now with the Wolf in your life where you need to rest and wait? God will intervene in His time and His way!

Behind What Closed Door Does Your Wolf Lurk?

We have all heard the expression, "When you have one finger pointing at the other person, just remember three fingers are pointing at you." Or, Matthew 7:3 cautions us that when we see a speck in our friends eye, their is a log in ours. We are SO often blinded to our own self-centeredness that is SO visible to others.

There are several ways to de-wolf our blind spots. One way is to ask those closest to us, "What area of my life do I have a hard time seeing?" A word of caution here...if you are married to a Wolf, this isn't the person you should be asking. Ask someone who you trust, that you know has your best interest at heart. Another way is to pray and ask God to reveal to you what your blind spots are? Our reactions and words also reveal our blind spots. Ask yourself what you are most inclined to react too? Is it someone criticizing you? Is it someone questioning your intentions? Is it someone judging you? Our reactions reveal what is in our heart!

Another way we reveal what is in our heart is by what we talk about. Do you gossip? Do you speak ill will of others? Proverbs 17:27 & 28 tell us that a wise man has few words and even a fool can be thought to be wise if he is silent. Our words can be a direct reflection of what is in our heart!

How you invest your time also reveals your heart. Where does the chunk of your time go too? When you have free time, where do you invest it? Are you investing it in others or yourself? Don't get me wrong here, self-care is important. However, Jesus didn't retreat all the time. He spent most of his time serving others.

Another place where our hearts are revealed is in how we spend money. This can be a huge blind spot for many of us as we try to survive life. One reason tything is so important is that it is a starting point of acknowledging that it is all God's in the first place, rather than ours. I think God knows our natural inclination is ourself. Over and over research and statistics reveal that one of the main reasons for marital breakups is money. If you think about it, what does this say about self-centeredness? What does this say about my way or the high way? At the core is that classic line "I want what I want when I want it."

Luke 11:41 (LB) says "Purity is best demonstrated by generosity." Do your actions speak generosity to others? Do your reactions speak generosity to others? Do you words speak generosity to others? Does your time speak generosity to others? Do your finances speak generosity to others? Where we lack generosity is a door a wolf may be lurking.

What Your Words Reveal About Your Heart

Our words, actions, and reactions are a gateway to reveal what is going on in our heart. Even when our intentions are innocent,someone may misinterpreted our them and our reaction to that situation reveals our heart. Being falsely accused is never an easy thing. Wolves are masters at manipulating situations and projecting their "issues" onto you. And, if you take the bait...beware. You don't need to take the bait. You have someone who already knows your heart, even better than you yourself. But God promises us that when we are innocent He will make it known. We do not need to defend ourselves. He defends His work and if He is working in your, He will defend His work. Psalms 37:6 says "He will make your innocence radiate like dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noon day sun."

A heart that is open and willing to change is willing to reflect on their actions and reactions. It is also willing to take responsibility for their action. A closed heart is one that jumps to conclusions. It quickly blames. It isn't willing to take responsibility for any of its actions or reactions. The open heart doesn't spend their time talking about the wrongs committed by the other, rather they are looking at what they may have said or done to contribute to the situation. They are looking at what can I do to change this pattern of interaction with this person. A person who is stuck in their issues will say it is the other persons fault. They will profess if the other person wouldn't have done x, they wouldn't have had to do y.

Being falsely accused is never easy. Having your motives called into questions is never easy. Especially if you meant no harm or were innocent. If your security is in Christ and who He created you to be; and if your trust is in Christ and the work He is accomplishing in you then you have no need to fear. It may be best for you to be silent. Remember it is God who defends His work. He really doesn't need your help. It reminds me of Christ, when he was being questions by the Pharisees before his crucifixion. He was being falsely accused and his response was silence!

And when you have a Wolf in your life, you will be falsely accused. Your motives will be questions. Wolves don't like taking responsibility for their actions. In fact, they "project" their issues on to you. For them it is imperative that they come out looking "good". God even covered this one for your, in Matthew 10:16 tells us that when we are amidst wolves we are to be as gentle as a dove and as cunning as a snake.

Relationships reveal alot about our hearts. They are a perfect place for us to reflect. They are a perfect place for God to reveal where our hearts need mending. So, the next time you encounter a relational "issue", stop and take a moment with the Lord. Ask Him what He has to teach YOU in this moment, not what He has to teach the other person. It is about you and His work in you! The minute you make it about them...your heart has been revealed and you might just find your own Wolf lurking inside of you.

I finally decided to breakdown and join the world of blogging. My resistance...all these new avenues of self-absorption. My denial...all these new avenues of marketing and getting the word out.

My prayer is that this blog can be one of wisdom, insight, and understanding to support and encourage those of you suriving in a self-absorbed marriage. A place where you can come to and not feel so alone. I personally remember being so alone in my first marriage, never being able to put my finger on what was really going on. I remember feeling at times like I was going crazy. I knew something wasn't right, I just couldn't figure it out.

The stories behind the WOLF: The Self-Absorbed Christian Marriage are ALL true! They were real experiences! They are all masked in confidentiality. Some are my stories, some are close friends stories, and some are client's stories. We all had one thing in common, a painful marriage that wasn't a living example of Christ's relationship with His bride the church. And, with that came much confusion and self-doubt.

There are NO easy answers to a self-absorbed marriage. It is a process. There is hope! Join the journey with others as you de-wolf your own self-centeredness and learn what it means to be all the Christ intended for you to be!