One of the hardest things in life to deal with is divorce. Divorce effects not only the two people divorcing, but their children, extended families, friends, church and the communities they live in. Friends and churches can be instruments of healing or an instrument that inflicts even more harm. Friends and the church want to be a place of healing and help I am sure and the harm they inflict is often unintentional and unknowing.
When a Wolf is thrown into the mix of a divorce it is even more complex and difficult. If you are a friend of a couple or church body with a couple divorcing, remember first that there are two sides to every story! This should go with out saying, but objectivity in these situations is very hard to maintain for several reasons.
First, what appears to be the issues of divorce when their is a Wolf involved is never reality, as they are master story tellers. They are also very charming and if you have been charmed by a Wolf you will believe his or her story of victimization! They will let you know what they had to endure! They will let you know how they tried, and tried, and tried. But here is the truth, they have alot of secrets they aren't telling you. They have skipped their part of the breakdown of the marriage. Often times Wolves have histories of infidelity and abusive behavior that has gone on for years with only their spouse experiencing that side of them while others have been charmed.
When a spouse is leaving a Wolf, if he or she is doing it wisely, they are leaving quietly! Drawing attention to the Wolf destructive ways or trying to defend themself will often only brings more harm and give the Wolf more ammunition to make their spouse look even crazier. Wolves can also be very vengeful, so often times silence is a means of protection and the spouse may never tell their side.
Here is where friends and the church do unintentional harm. They believe the Wolf. They try to intervene and "confront" the spouse of the Wolf. Scriptures get quoted on the Wolf's behalf in the name of "Jesus". Dear friends and church, please be careful!!!
As a therapist I am so often disheartened by the stories I hear in therapy of how churches handle these situations. They forget that Jesus warned us that there are "wolves amongst us"! They forget that God is the knower of all hearts!
I remind my clients that God is always faithful and and will bring support to the spouse of the Wolf to encourage them and help them survive. God's word promises that He will defend His work like the noon sunshine! However, I also believe that God would rather see his body of believers as a place of healing, rather than a place of harm.
I believe our roles as followers of Christ is to show others Christs love! There are tangible ways to do that. Send a note or card of encouragement. Offer to babysit the kids or pick them up from school. If a spouse needs help moving, gather a team to help them. Remember God is the judge and he is all knowing. He actually knows the heart of each person involved and He also knows who has a hard heart! The best thing you can do is encourage your friend to grow in their relationship with Christ and to use this difficult season as a time of maturing in faith! God does some of His best work in the darkest places.
So the next time a couple is going through a divorce, proceed with caution. There may infact be a Wolf lurking! Seek God for wisdom! Be careful about taking sides and don't believe everything you hear!
